When we have children, our lives quickly become all about them. Our days are prioritized around their schedules and their needs. Our social media newsfeeds are now full of cute baby pics, and our posts share all the silly things our little ones did or said. Our conversations often filled with boasts and concerns about our children. All of this is wonderful and beautiful and at times necessary. But let’s be honest, it can get out of balance quickly. Before we know it, attending to our own needs is no longer a priority. Without realising it, we have stopped taking as good a care of ourselves, as we do our children.
When last when given the option to do something for your child or do something for yourself – did you choose you? Gasp! Yes, I just put it out there – the unspeakable.
I read an article recently on whattoexpect.com, that refers to how Flight Attendants give wonderful parenting advice. It reads:
“secure your oxygen mask first before assisting your kids with theirs. After all, if you can’t breathe, how can you possibly help anyone else? So give yourself a little air — get a pedicure, see a movie or go for a girls’ night out once a month. Keep in mind that loving yourself is one of the best ways to love your children.”
I just want to echo that last sentiment: Loving yourself, is one of the best ways to love your children.
So, guess what mama? It’s very important, to every now and then, choose yourself. You take that bubble bath You curl up on the sofa and watch that chick flick You read a few pages of that novel You sit quietly sipping your favourite glass of red
Whatever you do, make sure you take time – even if it is just a few moments in a week. Focus on that which helps you catch your breath. For me, it’s writing this encouragement (and sipping my G&T) while my husband puts our son down to sleep.
Don’t feel guilty. Don’t defer to a task on your to-do list. Don’t worry about the chores – because you know they will still be there tomorrow. Sigh.
As 2019 was drawing to a close, I found myself wrestling with doubts, insecurities and lots of anger. I was sad and frustrated. I felt misunderstood and overlooked.
I decided to embark on a journey of assisted introspection. In a short space of time, I began to perceive some realities about my journey into mothering, and better understood the choices that I make as a mother. It has been an utterly significant time of grace and growth.
As we head towards the middle of January, and the holiday season is firmly behind us, I feel rested (well kind of) and ready to start working on my dreams for this year. It has been a long while since I’ve been able to focus on myself – I am looking forward to it.
Before I get started on me, I want to share something with you. Here are a few of the truths that I have recently discovered:
Saying hello to parenthood does often mean saying goodbye to many of the things you once enjoyed. Such as uninterrupted conversations, New Year’s Eve parties, dinner with friends at fancy restaurants, or the choice to sleep late – to mention a few. It is perfectly normal to feel sad at times and mourn the loss of the things you once loved doing. Doing so does not mean you love your children any less
Raising children is your most important job. Nothing else compares. Therefore, when it comes to decisions on how you choose to parent your children, do not be discouraged by the judgement of others. Do what you believe is best and trust your instincts. You do not have to be perfect.
May 2020 be a year of great things for us all. Growth. Courage. Adventure. Let’s be ready to embrace the new things, say farewell to the old, and always remember… every day is a brand new day.
And God said, “I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain”
The Old Testament books of Exodus and Numbers, tell of a man named Moses. Moses was appointed by God to lead a nation out of slavery.
God had earmarked a new land for His chosen people to inhabit, and Moses was to get them there. Moses had to approach the Pharoah and request that the Israelites be allowed to leave Egypt. However, the Pharoah would regularly harden his heart and refuse Moses’s request. When the Pharoah eventually conceded, Moses led the Israelites through the Red Sea to Mount Sinia. There, Moses would regularly meet with God and receive instructions for His people.
Not only did God provide a safe passage for the Israelites in the desert, but He also provided food, water and shelter. Regardless, the Israelites would time and again grumble, moan and sin. Their behaviour resulted in God’s anger towards them – to the point where He wanted to destroy them all. Each time Moses would intervene and plead with God on Israel’s behalf. God would hear Moses’ requests and reconsider.
One day Moses also found himself in a position where he too did not follow God’s exact instruction. During one of their meetings God told Moses that because of his sin, he would see the ‘Promised Land’, but he would not enter it. Moses would die in the desert.
When the time came for God to appoint Moses’s successor, He once again met with Moses to give His instructions. Moses could have pleaded with God to reconsider or tried to reason with God. He could have tried to explain why he disobeyed or justified his actions. just as he had done many times on behalf of the nation he led. However, he did not.
Reading this was truly inspiring and I have had this story in my bones for weeks.
Moses: He did not have it all together, but he responded when God called him. He was not the most eloquent, but he boldly spoke the words of God over a nation. Moses displayed many qualities of a great leader: he was brave; he was humble; he walked closely with God. He had put the needs of the people that he led, above his own. This is the kind of Spiritual leader that is always worth following.
When
the appointed time had come, a prophet went forth to find the new
king. To him, it was told, “man may look at the outward
appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart”.
Many
years ago, there lived a young shepherd boy. He was ruddy yet
handsome, with beautiful eyes and a skilful
musician known for his worship. With time he grew to become a man of
valor and a man of war, a man of good presence who was also prudent
in speech. He knew the value of true friendship and the humbling
commitment of servant-hood. He was by no
means perfect, but he had a heart after God. That boy was Jesse’s
son David. (excerpts from 1 Sam 16 – 18)
We
all know the story of David’s life. It was filled with many great
victories – killing bears and lions, even defeating giants and
becoming a king of Israel. Sadly, David was also a man that made some
bad choices that resulted in great sin. But still, God loved him. As
a favored yet flawed king, David formed part of God’s plan for
Israel. He was even in the lineage of Jesus Christ.
The
story of David is beautiful, exciting and tragic. However, when I
look at my son, I think of David. You see, I believe I am raising a
little man of God. I know that his life will not be perfect, and
therefore I pray.
I
pray that as with David, the Spirit of the Lord will rush upon my son
and that he will walk with the Lord. I pray that my son will grow to
be a passionate worshiper and a strong leader, a humble servant and a
good friend. Ultimately, I pray that he will become a man after God’s
own heart, just as David was. And that others may look at my son and
say, “The Lord is with him”.
Then
I pray that as his parents, my husband and I will have the wisdom to
raise him with conviction, guide him in all truth, and continually
lead him closer to Christ.
I have recently finished reading a Bible study on the book
of Genesis. The creation of the world, man and woman – and following that
the creation of families. One evening while I was bathing my son, I had
thoughts of Sarah, Abraham and Isaac fill my mind. Specifically the
account of Abraham taking Isaac to one of the mountains in the land of Moriah,
to offer him as a sacrifice to God. I wondered what those moments must
have felt like. The Bible doesn’t say if Sarah knew what God had
commanded Abraham, but as a mother, I think about what it could’ve felt like
for her. Her firstborn son. Her young boy.
As I kneel beside the bathtub, I take a moment to soak in
the sight of my son splashing and giggling. The joy I feel and the love in my
heart for this child is unexplainable. It burns so deep that I am brought to
tears. I begin praying over him, thankful for Jesus’ finished work on the
cross. Overjoyed that I would never have to face what Abraham and Sarah
did. You see, Abraham was instructed to bound his son Isaac and lay him on
top of a wooden altar. But then God in His love for Abraham, for us all,
provided another way.
This is where it gets so real. God stopped Abraham from
sacrificing his firstborn son. Instead,
God provided a ram to be used as an offering. Then hundreds of years later, the
time came for God to lay His only Son on the wooden altar as the ultimate
sacrifice for the sin of the word. There was no other way, God saw it through
to the end. For God so loved us all that He finished what He had started.
The love. The Ultimate Sacrifice. To save my son, He
sent His own.
As a parent, I imagine the relief and the joy that Abraham
felt as He heard God’s voice saying, “Do not lay a hand on the boy.”
There is no account of this in scripture, but imagine Sarah’s elation
when she saw her husband and her son returning home. I am ever grateful to God
for what He did for me, my family, humanity.
The only question now is, how do we respond to this?
(Read more about the account of Abraham, Isaac and Sarah in Genesis 22)
In the quiet, in the stillness I know that You are God In the secret of Your presence I know there I am restored……. In the chaos, in confusion I know You’re sovereign still In the moment of my weakness You give me grace to do Your will (lyrics: Hillsong)
It has been a long time since I had the opportunity to put
my fingers to a keyboard and note some of my thoughts. I am sitting in my
son’s playroom as I write this. The backdoor is open and a light breeze,
accompanying this unusually warm autumn day, is allowing the scent of Jasmine
from the neighbour’s garden and the rustling leaves of a nearby tree to tease
my senses.
I am feeling relaxed, probably as a result of the long hot
bath, I got to enjoy this morning. During my soak, I had time to up on my devotional
reading (I was a few days behind); listen to (part of) a podcast and I was able
to just be still for a while and let my mind focus on God.
In the busyness of family life, I often find that it can be difficult to find time to be still and connect with God. My first thought is, “I barely get time for myself!”. But the truth is that if time for me is more valuable than time with God, then I have my priorities all wrong. The daily inconsistencies of parenting rattle me – it’s still something that I am still getting used to. At times I find myself acting in ways that aren’t Christ-like and ‘set apart’. As a result, I am made more aware of the need for Jesus’ forgiveness and grace in my life. I have been challenged regarding my intentionality in time spent with God. You see, I don’t need more of me – I need more of Jesus in me.
My goal: reading, listening to or hearing the spoken Word
and being in a regular posture of prayer. It is easy? NO! Do I get it
right all the time? NO! But I have had a revelation and it has propelled me to
change. The hard truth is that we have not been called to a relationship of
convenience with God. Think about it, God deserves nothing less than our
utmost devotion – regardless of the cost. The Bible says “we need to deny
ourselves, pick up our cross and follow Jesus” (Luke 9:23). Therefore our
walk with Jesus requires effort, it requires action – it requires sacrifice
because as Christ-followers our deepest desire must be to know Him and be known
by Him.
So my aim is to say no to more me-time, and yes to more of Him.
Always make sure that your baby is not suffering from any ailments before attempting to sleep train
Despite my efforts, our son was no longer settling easily at bedtime. It became a warzone once again and this mamma was tired after a day spent loving on and caring for and stimulating her boy. I needed him to sleep so that I could just have an evening to spend with my husband (our partners can easily become neglected when we feel drained after a day of mommying).
It was time to call in a specialist and so we got in touch with a Munchkins Parent Coach. I never thought we would need one as I had done so much research and read books and… and… and… but in reality having someone skilled to talk through your real-life scenarios with is often the best way to find a solution.
Let me make this declaration:
I love my son with my whole heart and soul, and every fibre of who I am. He is part of me – flesh of my flesh. However, like any other part of me, there comes a time when training is required for that part to become fit and strong. That training could hurt, but if trained well the end result would always equal something stronger and healthier. I always knew that it would be best to train my son in the art of self-soothing so that he could sleep well. I just had to be ready to board that train. I knew it might hurt (me more than him), and that there would be tears (both of ours).
I had to be ready to board the sleep train
I made contact with a parent coach that came highly recommended by a good friend. We had bought our tickets and we ready to board. The only problem was that the coach could only come to see me in THREE WEEKS TIME. YIKES! I was desperate. So I did what I do best – I started reading up on self-soothing: the cry out method versus a more gentle approach.
I decided to attempt my own mix of the two. I would not rock him to sleep. I put him in his cot while he was still awake, but drowsy and stay in the room with him initially. The lights were turned out. No eye contact, no talking and no picking him up.. I would tickle his head though, as I found this helped him get sleepy. I eventually managed to get him to settle on his own for day time naps, with minimal tears. However, night time was a totally different story. Nothing was working, he was not able to settle himself to sleep AND he was waking in the early hours of the morning – often crying and not going back to sleep for more than an hour.
Often it is the smallest things that needs adjusting….
When we finally met with the coach. She suggested that we move his dinner time to one hour later than it currently was and that our routine becomes dinner, bath, bottle and bed. It seems the issue was that he was getting overtired at night which meant he struggled to self-sooth, and because dinner was too early he would get hungry early in the morning hence waking and often only settling after a bottle. More so, he needed a simple routine that allowed him to prepare himself for sleep time. We also agreed to give him his pacifier only at nap and bedtimes, and to introduce a sleep soother blanket only at nap and bedtime.
Implementing those small changes made a huge difference. Within two days he understood what it meant when I put the soothing blanket over my shoulder. He would put his head down on my shoulder and then could I rock him for a few seconds, speaking words of love and praise into his ear. I could lay him dow still awake and he self-soothed easily, asleep within minutes of being put down in his crib. From the first night he slept for over 12 hours and has done so ever since. He now wakes up happier and well-rested.
The revelations we have had:
We are called to train our children so that he may be healthy well-balanced adults one day. It starts with what we do when they are babies.
You are not your child’s friend – you are the caregiver, coach, provider and protector. Calm, happy bedtimes with a good night’s sleep is a way of lovingly providing for your child.
Babies cry as a form of communication and sometimes what they want to tell you is “I don’t like this” – as in the case when teaching the baby to self-soothe. Of course, your baby wants you, you’re the best soother in the world. If you know that all of your baby’s needs have been met – he is healthy, fed, dry, comfy, warm and safe – then don’t feel bad about the crying . Your baby is just protesting in the only way he knows how. It will pass (sooner than you think).
Happy baby, happy mommy… Everybody wins!
So, let me encourage you to go for it. Sleep train. My boy wakes up singing and happily babbling. I am well rested and can function better. Most importantly, I can be a better wife to my hubby and have happier playtimes with my boy because we are both in a better space. Everybody wins.
I recently celebrated my 39th birthday, my first birthday as a mom. It felt really different this year – good different.
Usually, I am so excited about my nearing birthday that I start counting the days from the 1st of June. Silly right? I plan ways to celebrate the day with friends and family, I think about the gifts I would love to receive, and the bubbling of excitement just grows inside my belly with each passing day. I would thrive on the attention I got on my birthday. It was a day all about ME and celebrating ME with all the delightful Facebook birthday posts and the non-stop pinging of my phone reminding me that more well-wishes await. L O L!
This year though, that fact that my birthday was days away kept slipping my mind. I was constantly caught off guard by the realisation that we were already in the month of June. My mind was focussed on Kresten’s turning 10 months old, his next visit to the baby clinic, the ‘date afternoon’ that my hubby and I arranging, it was on writing blogs and creating a new website, it was on celebrating Father’s Day with Anton and my dad.
You see my life and my existence was no longer about me. Now I know for most this could sound alarming, but for me it brought lightness, a joy…. a fullness and a freedom that I did not expect. Yet I marvelled in it.
My birthday was here and my darling husband was so excited that he was up before the sun. During the early hours of the morning every time I would stir in my sleep, I would hear his voice “Happy Birthday Honey”. To which I would reply “No, I am not waking up yet”. The memory of it makes me giggle. We continued this sing song about THREE TIMES before I finally gave in and accepted my good morning kiss. He offered to make me coffee and quickly hopped out of bed only to return serving up a steaming cuppa, along with my FAVOURITE perfume. WOOHOO! With our little boy tucked in with us, we enjoyed some sweet birthday morning snuggles. It was just the best.
So it seems my birthday surprise this year was not only wrapped up in the sweet scent of Bvlgari Omnia Coral. It was years of wishing and of prayers and dreams – all wonderfully realised.
It was understanding contentment like never before.
It was the revelation of my greatest treasure, my husband and my baby boy.
I wanted to take a quick moment and share our sleep schedule journey with all you mamas and papas. Let me start by clarifying that we are not doing sleep training – where baby learns to self soothe and go down unassisted, we are doing sleep scheduling – where we are shaping our baby’s sleeping habits by enforcing naps times and bedtimes in order to ensure that 1) most of the sleep happens at night and 2) our baby is getting enough sleep in a 24hr cycle. Once we have nailed this we hope to move onto the self-soothing, but for now I still really enjoy holding my boy close and rocking him to sleep. It is our special time and it is made that much more special now that he drifts off without much of a fight.
What triggered our desire to start a sleep schedule?
Before our baby would nap any time of day he wanted. He would nap two to three times a day and easily have a nice long nap in the afternoon. The afternoon nap often happened around 3/3.30pm (and he would wake around 4.30/5pm) which we soon realised was not best. We would also have our night time routine – which in hindsight wasn’t much of a routine at all – and then I would put him down to bed around 08.30pm. The problem was that he would fight and kick and scream and wave his arms around, all while I was trying to rock him to sleep. The battle of bedtime was torturous, and often left me feeling so frustrated and angry – with him! Then by the time my baby eventually went to sleep I was super irritated, miserable and tired which meant my poor husband didn’t much get to enjoy the evening with me – he got “snappy-moody-bitchy wife” instead.
Where I started?
I decided to google sleep schedules and read articles on the subject. I also chatted to friends, which I believe are some of the best resources we as parents have. Some were going through the same phase I was and we could swap notes, others had older kids and could give insight on what worked for them and what didn’t. Also, my friends know me and my personality, so I can trust that their advice would take all of that into account.
Militant mama!
I like routine and I love a plan of action, so it was good to work off a suggested schedule that I found online. A great friend also suggested books by Gina Ford – which I have not yet purchased, but I have looked into. She has a few good books on the market and this one, in particular, is on my Amazon wishlist: “The Complete Sleep Guide for Contented Babies and Toddlers”.
One important thing to note is that although I enjoy the
more militant approach, I also know that there MUST be flexibility (to a
degree). You are after all dealing with
a human being, not a robot. So as I share my schedule and newly implemented routine
– bear in mind that I am always flexible. I always read my baby’s cues. If he is really not wanting to go down for a
day nap, I remove him from his room and we try again in 15 minutes; I move his
naps earlier if I can see he is sleepy; I start his evening routine earlier if
he hasn’t had an afternoon nap – BUT NO MATTER WHAT he MUST be asleep by
7pm. That is the goal. That is the
non-negotiable.
This kind of gives you an example of what I looked like after trying to get my son to sleep before we had the schedule in place..
The schedule
We decided our goal was that our boy sleeps for 11-12hours at night and that he be asleep by 7pm at night. In order to achieve this, we worked back from 7pm sleep time. Considering that babies his age are generally awake around 3-4 hours between naps we ascertained that the last nap he had in the day would have to end by 3.30pm. This would also mean that if he had not gone down for a nap by 3pm, that there would be no afternoon nap. This is hard-core and also where it gets very difficult. Here is where you really need to stick to your resolve. The days when he doesn’t nap in the afternoon can get very tiring for mom and dad, but read on and push through.. there is hope.
Naps in our home are generally to be between 30min to 1h30min in length, so that would mean that we would try to get him down for a nap just after lunch – between 1h30pm and 2pm. We also reasoned that considering his morning nap would come off the stretch of a long 12hr night, he, therefore, most likely have a shorter nap in the morning. We would aim for his morning nap to be between 9am and 10am (depending on what time he woke up from his nighttime sleep).
Let him sleep… for when he wakes mama will have to get up too
Our current schedule looks like this:
06am – 07am – baby wakes 7h30am – breakfast 9am-10am – nap time for approx. 30min (or longer if baby decides but no longer than 1hr) 12:30/1pm – lunch 01:30pm onwards – we watch baby’s cues for naptime and aim to have him down for a nap by 2pm. If he has not gone down by 3pm then we accept that there will be no afternoon nap 5/5.30pm – dinner 6pm – bath
After bath time we head to the baby’s room. He does not leave his room after bath time – socialising is over. He can play a bit; have his bottle; we read a book or three; then its lights out and I rock him to sleep. Dad can join us in the room, or have someone on one time before bed, but it’s very low key and chilled. The same routine every night – even as far as playing the same song as we settle him to sleep and then the same white noise sound when he has fallen asleep. (We play twinkle-twinkle till he sleeps and the sound of easy night rain thereafter. Every nap starts with twinkle-twinkle. I am hoping that when we go to self-soothing, the song will trigger in his mind that it’s time to sleep and he will settle himself).
Implementation
Let me start by saying,
consistency and perseverance bring reward. Every day we attempt nap time in the morning
and for us, getting the morning routine going was the easiest. Most days it is only a 30 min nap, but that
is OK. The afternoon naps were, as I
mentioned earlier, the struggle. HOWEVER HERE IS THE KICKER – if he missed his
afternoon nap, he would be OUT by 6.30pm which means more chill time in the
evening.
The first few nights he would wake about 90min after going to bed. This is tough because you feel duped into thinking the night was yours. Don’t fret. I would go into his room, keep the lights off and start again with the soothing rock and shushing till he fell asleep again. It took longer in the beginning – easily 30 minutes (that felt like hours), but eventually, it was only a few minutes. Now if he does stir he usually puts his dummy back into his mouth and falls asleep himself.
Good night, sleep tight
Yes, afternoons can be a bit tiring, but look to what awaits you…. It just took us one week and we have a baby who is in bed and asleep by 7pm and who sleeps pretty well for about 11hrs. So once baby is down, put your feet up and enjoy some quiet time… or get to whatever else is on your to-do list x
Greetings from a wet and wintery Cape Town, South Africa.
I thought I would take a moment and tell you a bit about myself and how Origin Mommy came to be. I am a 38 (almost 39) year old first-time mommy to a fearfully and wonderfully made 9-monthold boy (who is currently going through sleep regression and teething … so your sympathies are welcome).
I spent about 17 years prior to joining the mommy-tribe in a job/career that was highly stressful and demanding. The last 7 years of that time I was fortunate enough to be an equity partner in my own company and, although I was able to find some joy and purpose in what I did, for the most part it was still a constant struggle to find harmony, unity and a shared vision. After years of prayer, God used what a friend intuitively referred to at the time as a sledgehammer to get me out of that space. Soon thereafter, I saw the indicator on a pregnancy test show positive.
I read this quote on becoming a mommy: “I was his beginning, and he was my beginning too” (paraphrased).
My husband and I decided that I would take a sabbatical from the world of business – as I needed time to find a new passion. Also privilege of being able to stay home with my child during his developmental years was what I had always dreamed about. However, the unclear future was scary. I knew I could enjoy this season of mommy-hood, but that there would come a time when I would need to get back to work. I had no idea what my future career would look like, or if I would have the flexibility to still be the kind of mom that I wanted to me while pursuing it. If you know me, you know that I am a future-focussed planner and so this question about what awaited me one day was one that weighed heavily.
The Origin of creation
I continued to pray that God would show me what He would have me do next. I admit that my prayers were at times more out of fear than faith. Then one day, God took me to Genesis chapter one: The beginning. Let me just say that this does not happen often, but the moments when it does are unforgettable and profound. In reading that piece of scripture I was reminded that beginnings are without form, void and often dark (or unclear). However the Spirit of God hovers over even the darkest, most void spaces….and even there He speaks. I prayerfully unpacked what it meant to me and my circumstance.
God spoke and there was light; there was creation; there was life; a gathering; fruitfulness; multiplication; responsibility; and then there was rest. This was my revelation. My heart soaked up a glorious promise! God was a God of order and He would help me create something, He would give me a purpose (responsibility) and I would find rest. I would just need to trust the process – step by step.
I am a researcher, a note taker, a plan maker.. Here I was in the midst of my baby prep, with my journal full of my mommy-to-be thoughts.
I love researching various topics. My Google search history is, well, interesting to say the least. I research often – lately it’s anything from pregnancy and birth; new-borns and breastfeeding; weaning and sleep schedules. I study the information, unpack what it means and how I can apply it to my life and my circumstance. Where I can, I share and encourage others. In doing so I have developed an every deepening well of understanding and respect for all mommies. Then the idea dropped into my heart. Start a blog – a creative way of journaling my own experiences, coupled with whatever information I have discovered.
Reflecting on what I believe God dropped into my heart a few weeks prior, I considered a name. Then it hit me: Origin Mommy. Those two words symbolise so much – the creator of a home; a fruitful vessel; the gatherer; the bearer of life. For me, in many ways – it starts with Mommy
Mommy, a creature invited to be a cocreator with the Creator Himself. (Paraphased from Lisa-Jo Baker’s book Suprised by Motherhood)
I trust that God will continue to guide me on how Origin Mommy will grow and what her ultimate responsibility will be. I am open to wherever this journey may lead. My ultimate desire is that it would somehow evolve into a lucritive business pf sorts – one that allows me the flexibility to still be the mommy that I want to be for my little guy and any other little ones that may follow….. For now, Origin Mommy is about community – encouraging mommies, empowering mommies and enjoying being part of the mommy tribe.
